I used to work retail and “fitting room” was my favorite shift. While my other coworkers dreaded it, I thought it was friggin’ hilarious. Let me tell you, what people say when they’re in their underpants trying to squeeze into something is comedy gold! As a grownup fat kid, I’ve always struggled with my body issues, from my back titties to my general spherical nature. Nowhere was I ever able to laugh at myself more than in that dressing room, where I’d hear hot women of all shapes and sizes completely rip on themselves … instead of blaming, oh, the cut or the designer. It was ridiculous! And the best part was, the woman who picked the most ill-fitting clothing always bought the most. Self-acceptance is a cosmic joke. So, let’s laugh together with these completely true, yet hilarious, things women are insecure about when it comes to their bodies.
- Am I really as fat as this picture makes me look?
- Does the concealer hide the zit or does it just make it more obvious?
- Is my booty bootylicious?
- Does my vag smell and/or look weird?
- Can I still wear shorts if I have cellulite?
- Do I look good for my age? Or am I the Lindsay Lohan of my generation?
- Are my tits perky?
- Sheesh, I’m a sweaty bitch!
- Do people think I’m fat?
- Does my nose qualify as a “honker”?
- With all the things I have to shave and wax, I must be Chewbacca’s long lost cousin.
- Is my gun show too flabby to go sleeveless? When will the sleeveless bridal dress trend end?!
- My hair is so thin I look like I’m bald.
- My hair is so thick I have to use horse shampoo and a weed wacker.
- I have messed-up cuticles and no nails and it stresses me out. But I bite the nubbins to relieve stress; it’s a vicious cycle.
- Two words that can ruin everything: boob sweat.
- I am so bloated today I feel like a balloon with an elastic waistband.
- I look like I could be a footballer with these shoulders.
- I have big feet.
- I’m taller than most dudes.
- If I could get my ears to flap, I could do a mean “Dumbo” impression.
- My fingers are like fat sausages.
- My stomach sticks out more than my boobs.
- I have to wear pants to hide my cankles.
- Can anyone tell I gained five pounds since the breakup?
- Is my cleft chin a bonus extra butt or does it make me a butt face?
- If I don’t wear high heels, I look like a short blob.
- I’d never let anyone see me without makeup. I even sleep with it on!
- Why, oh why, must my thighs stick together?
- What’s that roll doing there? It’s clearly a menace to South Central.
- Someday I’ll get preggers and it’ll all turn to mush.
Ladies, did I miss anything?
